Going to see a man about a baby...

I wasn't going to keep a blog this trip because the reason for my trip is so completely different then my first time going to Africa. However, a very good friend of mine, who knows me incredibly well encouraged/twisted my arm, and convinced me to do it! ;) AND she's someone who i respect and love so if she wants me to post updates, i'm on it! Last year, when i went to Uganda i felt like i was being called to go. There were a lot of things that were going on in my life and many signs that i felt were leading me there. I knew that the trip would be life changing, i just didn't know how. I thought the purpose was to go and see if i could leave my life for an extended period of time and be ok with it. Teaching abroad has always been something i thought i would do, and Africa was a great short term opportunity to test out if i still wanted to pursue that idea. The trip certainly changed my life completely and almost turned it upside down really.. but for a completely different reason. And THAT is why i am going back to Uganda this summer... For a plan and reason that i believe is far bigger then me.





This is the moment i knew that my life would never be the same... i just didn't know how. On June 24, 2010 i ment a beautiful little girl who completely captured my heart the minute she smiled. I had a strong connection with her when i picked her up. I had such an overwhelming feeling, i almost put her back down and hit the road because what i felt freaked me out! She was laying on a crib mat in the corner at the orphanage while 20 or so other babies roamed around and played. She isn't able to join them due to cerebral palsy. The minute i saw her the special education teacher in me kicked in and i started assessing. It is difficult to say what her potential could be because she is in an orphanage in Africa,but to me, it seems like she has a lot! I spent some time with her that day and couldn't wait to get back to Nsambya (the orphanage) to see her the next week. The next week came and when we got to the orphanage, she wasn't there. I was beside myself. I have never experienced that kind of panic. I was running around looking in cribs for "my baby."

That was the moment i should have known i was in big trouble. At this point I didn't know her name, but i knew i couldn't find her and that was NOT ok with me! After a LOT of questions to a lot of people i was able to find out that she had been taken to Katalemwa, the rehabilitation hospital for kids with disabilities. I also found out her name. I thought they said SeCola and that is what i called her. This was great news because i knew she would be getting some much needed therapy, but terrible at the same time because it was Thursday and we go to Katalemwa on Wednesdays. I had missed her and would have to wait another whole week to see her. I was SO sad but already counting down til wednesday. The next week i was ready to go however, our safari was changed and i would be gone. Once again... no Katalemwa. I was so sad and wanted to see her SO badly. I was with kids at the orphanages and schools everyday but she was different. All i wanted to do was hold her and be with her.

Finally... The Wednesay came that we were going to Katalemwa. I talked with my friend Bennon who PROMISED he would help me find her. Katalemwa is a bunch of different buildings all within a gated compound. Bennon took me to the directors office to find out where she might be. Problem was that we told him her name was SeCola and she was not coming up in the computer. The whole time i was waiting, my stomach was in knots. I could barely stand still and i was so anxious. After some investigating in the computer he was able to find out that it was Schola, short for Scholastika and he knew where she was so he would take us to her. We were in a building at the top of a hill. As we started walking down the hill, we heard a baby crying. I knew the minute that i heard it, that it was her cry and i knew exactly which building she was in. I told Bennon and the director that i knew it was her crying and pointed to the exact building she was in. I have NO idea how i knew it was her, but i felt it in my heart and all i could think was to get to her and fix whatever it was that was making her cry. I went busting in the room, without noticing that at the door way was a pile of shoes and i should have taken mine off as well. I was so focused on getting to her i didn't care what anyone else was doing. When i got in there she was in a little stander. She was crying because her muscles were being stretched in a way that they had not been used to and it hurts. I squatted down next to her and put my hands in hers and talked to her. She was crying her little eyes out and before i knew it i was crying too. I talked to her and sat there until it was time for us to leave. When it was time to go, i was SO upset. I did not want to leave. I ran up the hill to find my friend Ivan because i was completely distraught that no one would check on her when i left. He works for Empower a Child and i knew he would let me know how she was doing when i was gone. I made him come back down to her building with me and see who she was so he checked on the right baby. When we got back, she wasn't in the stander anymore, she was laying on the mat. I scooped her up and held her so tight. I told her that Ivan was going to check on her and that even though the stander hurt it was good for her. I kissed her little face and laid her back down. I felt like i was leaving a part of my heart behind on that mat. As i walked up the hill and out the gate i cried my eyes out, all while Ivan was trying to tell me that she would be fine. He probably couldn't understand why this crazy white girl was crying so hard over a baby i barely spent time with. Which i completely understand because I was asking myself the same question. This is a picture that my friend Jennifer took for me after i had left of her at Katalemwa in the stander.

From the minute i picked her up i thought i wanted to bring her home, but then i thought you crazy person, you can NOT do that. I told myself, you're young, single, you can't adopt a BABY! It was even worse because all the other volunteers decided i should adopt her too, and took every opportunity to tell me i should just bring her home. I thought that i would come home and that it would get easier. But it didn't get easier, it got harder... every day. All i could think about was this face. What therapy she needed and wasn't getting. Who was taking care of her, was it enough. I found myself researching more and more about Cerebral Palsy and therapies that could be done. In October my friend Craig said that she had been sent back to Nsambya (the orphanage) because the money for her to be at Katalemwa had run out. I had Craig do some research for me to find out how much it would cost for a month at Katalemwa. I picked up a tutoring job so that i could save money to send for her therapy. I found out from Wilson, the director of Empwer a Child, that i could use the pay pal account to send the money and make sure that it got where it needed to be.

In January i sent my first payment for her therapy. I didn't know if i was going to just pay for her therapy for life or if i could think about adopting her but the one thing i DID know was that i couldn't live with knowing that her life consisted of laying on a crib mat watching the paint fall off the wall at the orphanage. Felix, the employee of Empower a Child in charge of things with the sponsorship program would be in charge of making sure she got her therapy. This was great news to me because i know him and the heart that he has for kids. I knew she would be in good hands!

In March I spent a lot of time praying about whether i was supposed to adopt this little girl. I felt something nuts the minute i picked her up but could i really do it. I decided that if i was going to consider it, i had to go back to Africa to be with her. There was no way that i would be able to make this decision without spending more time with her. SO i decided that i would definitely be returning to Africa and as soon as i got my tax return, i would buy my plane ticket.

At around this same time she was taken for an assessment at Katalemwa and found that she needed services however she was sent back to the orphanage because of chicken pox. I was a wreck. My brother almost died from the chicken pox in America.. what could happen to her in an African Orphanage?!?! I checked my email everyday for updates. Finally.. great news came that she was better and receiving therapy. I was thrilled. She was learning to sit and communicate through eye gaze for yes/no. She doesn't know how to talk yet BUT if she can understand and communiate answers to yes/no that is a start! Things were looking good. THEN i got an email that she was in the hospital with Malaria and Pneumonia. This was the worst news ever. I cried probably everyday for a good 3 weeks. I have never prayed so much in my life! I had about a million conversations with God about her. The thought of her being in the hospital, so sick, without anyone to hold her was more then i could handle. I checked my email about 3 times a day hoping for an update. I even checked my email when i knew it was the middle of the night in Uganda and there would be NO email. I felt so incredibly helpless because there was nothing i could do. I wrote about her on facebook and was overwhelmed by the amount of people who prayed for her. I prayed for help for her to get better, and the strength and courage for me to know what to do. A very good friend of mine talked with me about it a lot. She knew i was contemplating adoption before i told anyone else... she was encouraging and supportive. Her response gave me the courage to think i could do it, and the strength to tell my family what i was feeling. She text me the bible verse Philippians 4:6-7 and told me to read it. Reading it when she was sick was helpful.

Philippians 4:6-7 says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to god and the peace of God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I prayed for help because i knew if she got better, that i had to persue adoption. This was SO much bigger then me and if this was truly God's plan for me i knew i couldn't do it alone. I asked God for help because Adoption is SO overwhelming and i didn't even know where to start. After many prayers and what seemed like forever, i got the best instant message on facebook of my life. Felix messaged me to let me know that she was getting better and back to receiving therapy. She was incredibly sick and regressed tremendously. She was given a feeding tube because she was too sick to eat. Felix told me that she was getting better though and working with her 3 times a week. She was no longer needing the feeding tube and they had started a feeding program with her to help get back to eating on her own. The money that i sent was used to adapt her bed and make some furniture that would help in her therapy. Reading Philippians 4 helped when she was so sick and di dn't know what was goign on, but i didn't understand it until a car ride home from church. When i specifically asked for help, i felt my anxiety wash away and completely content about my decision to adopt as a single parent. That sunday evening i googled adoption agencies in Illinois and found The Ark. I filled out an online inquiry and when i woke up the next morning i already had a response. After a month of communication with the adoption agency i have been pre-approved to start the adoption process! At the end of April i had a meeting with the Ark to start the official adoption process. In that meeting i talked with them and realized that i needed to wait to start until i came home. I still did not have all of the information i need to be 100% that i am going to do this. If the decision was strictly emotional, i would have brought her home already but i needed to make sure my ducks were in row to provide the kind of life i have planned for her in my head.

While all of this was going on at home for me, she was in full swing with therapy thanks to Felix she got a new chair to sit in for her feeding program and a new bed. She also had a wedge board for laying on and a chair for the floor. She enjoys spending time watching TV during her free time. AND while i'm not a big advocate of a lot of TV, some stimulation is WAY better then laying in the corner by yourself. These two pictures below she is sitting in her bed watching TV. You can see in her hands that they have become less rigid through the exercises that Felix does with her. You can see in this picture her fingers are very tightly closed over her thumbs. But in the last two pictures you can see that she is able to open her hands more! :)

This picture was taken in March/April. This picture was taken in April/May.

SO ... June 18th i leave Chicago on my way to Uganda. I will land June 20th at 8 am Uganda time and hopefully will head straight to the orphanage. I know that this trip will help me to solidify my decision as to whether i am going to adopt her and bring her home, or continue to sponsor her therapy there. I am pretty sure that i will know in my heart the minute i pick her up what my plan of action will be. This process and decision has been very lengthy for me, but some of you may be reading it for the first time. The reason i didn't talk much about it were simply that it is a decision that many people have many opinions on and i wanted to make sure it was the correct decision for me not influenced by others. I didn't want to talk about it much because i didn't want to get my hopes up that it might happen if it isn't. This will be an extremely emotional trip, regardless of the decision i make at the end. It has been a long time coming and i am looking forward to getting there to figure out exactly what will happen next.

While i am there, i will participate in some of the other projects like last year and take our sponsor kids shopping, but obviously my number 1 priority is to spend time with her. I am looking forward to being in Uganda with some of the same volunteers as last year. I can not wait to see everyone and hopefully find answer the questions and uncertainties i have about making my decision.

SO.. as they say in Uganda Te guende!!!! (or Let's go! )