Okukiliza, Suubi, OKwagala ....

I have talked a lot about how emotional this journey has been, and how lucky i have felt to be blessed with friends and family who are supportive. I have not shared enough about how thankful I am for the new people this journey has brought into my life, and those people are the fellow adoptive parents I have met or been in contact with. I had written an email last week to a fellow adoptive mom to thank her for her support and tell her how much i appreciate her advice. In her response she hit the nail on the head... as usual... when she said that one of the coolest things about being an adoptive parent is the opportunity to talk with other parents who "get it" or speak the same language. As supportive as my friends and family have been, it is sometimes just nice to talk with someone who has been there, and understands my emotions without me having to try and explain them. It is certainly not better or worse and i am so grateful for both but there is a difference between being empathetic to what i am saying and having been there too. In my experience, the adoptive parents i have met have gone above and beyond to help me in anyway through their words and actions without even knowing me well, or in some cases at all. For example, my new friend Deb who answers my million questions and talks me off ledges when i'm freaking out about the unknown, or the parent that I just talked about. And even the adoptive families at Pleasant Hill who have offered to help in anyway from taking my paperwork to be notarized for me, or just simply by asking and saying prayers. OR how about the Riley family who have visited Lola for me and opened their home to me while i am in Uganda AND have organized a TON of things before even meeting me in person! I am truly blessed by their kindness. Another example is from my school nurse who is a fellow adoptive parent. She put a packet of poems in my mailbox about adoption. She didn't know it, but they happened to arrive on a particularly anxious day when i was stressed ALL day about the many things out of my control. One of the poems stood out to me and I plan to share it with Lola someday when the time is right.

The Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
the other you call mother.

Two different lives
shaped to make yours one;
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love,
The second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.

One gave you up;
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age-old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment ... which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling, neither;
Just two different kids of love.
~ Author unknown

This poem is another one of my favorites. I came across it one night when i couldn't sleep so i endlessly surfed the internet reading about adoption. I think it is awesome and truly says perfectly how i feel!

The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.

For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Now that things are moving closer to a reality, i have been reflecting on my life. It is amazing to me the things that have happened that helped lead me to this moment. I truly believe that there is nothing in life that happens without reason. God has been preparing me for this from the time i was 2 and the only cabbage patch doll available was the african american one, to the summer school class with the student I LOVED who is VERY much like Lola, to going with Rajabu to school on his birthday and all the 1st graders asking why Rajabu's mom was white... AND i was totally OK with being his mom for the day. These are obviously big things but even little things like posts i read on facebook have the capacity to impact my thinking.

Like today's that my friend Kate posted that said ...

God has a purpose for your pain,
a reason for your struggles,
and a reward for your faithfulness.
Don't give up.

I read this when i was SUPER frustrated because i was trying to get my paperwork sent to Africa. I was in a BIG rush, and everything was stressing me out. I just wanted to cry because i realized that i needed some letters that i didn't have. AND in a panic i asked some VERY amazing friends who came through of course. I also got a text message from Hilary that reminded me to life by faith not by sight and that everything would be ok. WHICH she is right because after this experience, there is no way that i could NOT choose to believe this with all my heart.

SO to answer the BIG question everyone wants to know... am i ready to be a mom?? Nope... Probably NOT! BUT everyone i've talked to who is a mom already says that they weren't either so at least i'm in good company. I am certainly not naive enough to think that everything is going to be rainbows and sunshine but i am SO grateful for the experiences that have helped to prepare me for this, and the people God has placed in my life that i know i can count on when things are hard. AND YES ... i am SO excited to finally start this next chapter of my life as a mom to the most beautiful little girl who I love with all my heart.

SO these next two weeks, while i scramble to finish tying up loose ends at work and finalize plans to actually GET there for court... all i can do is rely on Okukiliza, Suubi, and OKwagala... or as we say Faith, hope, and love.

HOLY MOLY ... What an emotional Month!!!!

There is that saying that ALWAYS comes up when you have a lot going on or you’re super stressed, that God doesn’t give you more then you can handle. AND after a few weeks of disagreeing completely, today I can say I actually believe that might be true. Although it’s always easy to have that faith and see the reasoning once the storm has passed. The last few weeks have been tough. I have talked several times about how incredibly emotional this has been. But I would say aside from the time debating my decision to go forward with adoption, the last few weeks have been the most difficult. The closer it got, the farther away it felt. Every morning, I would wake up and check hoping and praying for an email that told me when I had to be in Africa for a court date. And everyday by 8:00in the morning I knew that it wasn’t going to be that day. For a while it’s easy to be hopeful and say tomorrow will be the day. After a few days of that, and multiple people asking if I had heard anything, it was also very easy to become more anxious. After a few WEEKS of that, it is easy to start to wonder if it will ever come. That was the point I was starting to reach. Especially when everyday felt like 10!

Typically with St. Patrick’s day, spring, and more importantly SPRING BREAK… March is my favorite month! You all know that I LOVE everything about what March brings. However this year it was not quite the same. It was hard to get into my usual spirit. But the tradition of breakfast at Erin's and the southside parade with my cousins helped!!

Me and Erin (our traditional Southside Parade day picture!)

One day I was talking with my friends Keren in Uganda (who i can't wait to actually meet in person!!) about my anxiety over approvals, and my court date. She suggested that I should just come there. AND since i'm staying with them, my accommodations are clearly ready... BUT she shared with me that she knew of another waiting forever family in my same situation who decided they couldn’t wait anymore and they just went. Once they arrived they had a court date within 10 days after hearing nothing for months! She said that I needed to go there to get things taken care of so that they knew I was serious. I spoke to my friend Collin about it as well and he confirmed that things would probably move faster if I were there to take care of everything in person. He also offered to take me wherever I needed to go and to be with me every step of the way. He’s my amazing African big brother from another mother haha. Here we are last summer. Anyway, I was really struggling with what to do because I have been reading a devotion everyday that my friend Aleanbh in Ireland sent me for christmas. Every day it has been exactly what I needed to read, and has helped me tremendously throughout this process. SO weird… but true! The month of March was all about patience and waiting on God’s timing. Two things I struggle with in a big way! So I was thinking would just booking a ticket be going against that… was there a reason for God’s timing to keep me here longer.. what if something happened to Lola while she waited for me to get there!?!? Just those questions alone were enough to send my anxiety through the roof, if it wasn’t already there!! I really thought long and hard about what to do.

I was already close to reaching as much as I could take with the stress of waiting for a court date, ISAT tests at work, and then … the kicker… I found out that my cousins Shawna and Alannah were moving back to Arizona. This was something that Shawna had been talked about but I was pretty sure that if I didn’t talk about it, it would go away and they wouldn’t. I was with these two pretty much every day so the thought of them leaving was kinda killing me. In the last few years we have been through a LOT together and aside from being cousins we realized our personalities are scarily similar and we became really good friends. PLUS I got to spend every Saturday with the coolest 4 year old ever. Needless to say them moving left a pretty big hole in my social calendar, and my heart. While I KNEW that I had a BIG life change coming, at that point I felt like it was NEVER going to happen. I was so anxious about the approvals, and the process of court in Africa that I began to struggle with my faith that everything would work out and they are a huge part of my support system so it was REALLY hard to accept!

Here we are at Kelsey's wedding ... the three amigos!

March 19th was my final fingerprinting for my federal approval. I was also extremely nervous about that because the letter I received was VERY official looking. Basically it said come alone with no cell phone or camera, and if you were late don’t come at all. It gave a specified time and the web site said it was extremely difficult to find. SO I decided that I would be leaving at 8 AM, for my 10 o’clock appointment in Naperville. JUST to make sure I was there on time. For those of you reading this who aren’t familiar with the area, it takes about 30 minutes to get to where I was going, in high traffic! 2 hours was a little over kill BUT I really was THAT stressed about it. With all the issues I had with my fingerprinting for state approval I wasn’t taking ANY chances! When I got there, they took me in immediately and were extremely kind and helpful. You’re not at the DMV anymore toto! It was the BEST government office experience ever! I was done at 9:30, for my 10:00 appointment, (so much for all that worry)and I spent the rest of the morning with my grandpa.

He is 94 and pretty much one of the smartest guys ever. I really respect his opinion so I wanted to know what he thought I should do. He basically gave me advice that paralleled lyrics from ‘The Gambler’ about knowing when to hold um’ … In a nutshell, the Grampster told me that I had been waiting long enough and sometimes you have to make things happen! I left his place to head back to work and made up my mind that I would buy a plane ticket and head to Africa to get this done! At the same time I was sorting my life, my dad was at the doctor finding out about the fact that he needs knee surgery. I decided that I would leave for Africa as soon as I could arrange it. My dad’s surgery was scheduled for April 11, and my nephews first birthday party April 14, so since it was important to me to be at those things, I decided I would leave the next week. This year at work has been stressful because it is a whole new kind of job then I have ever done before. I was a kindergarten and first grade special education teacher for six years, and this year I have 2nd, 3rd, and 5th which is drastically different and a huge learning curve. The 18th of April are important meetings with the middle that I haven’t ever done before. WELL, realistically if I was going to stay until the 14th, staying until the 18th made sense and it would be a good move professionally. SO I decided to take a HUGE leap of faith, and April 21st I would be leaving.

The minute I made that decision it was like the sun came out and I could breathe again. Just the idea that I had a date nailed down reduced my anxiety level tremendously. However, I still didn’t have federal approval.

The next awesome thing was a weekend with my room mates from China. We don't often get an opportunity to be together but when we do it is guaranteed to be a great time! These two make me laugh til i cry... AND that happened A LOT. Which was so incredibly well timed. You know you have an amazing friend when you can go for a few months without talking, or even a few years without seeing each other but when you're together its like no time passed. I Love these two.

Here we are with 4 of the soon to be 5 kids. We are quite the crew!!

Spring break week was a really emotional rollercoaster!! Monday was super fun because Alannah and I met Deb and the kids at the zoo. It was SO much fun, but the whole time I had such mixed emotions. Leah wanted me to carry her around the zoo, which of COURSE I didn’t mind at all. However it only made Alannah want me to piggy back her around more then she usually would because well… Alannah and I don’t share each other with other people very well.. haha At one point I had Alannah on my back and Leah in front walkin down the path checkin out the camels. I kind of felt like a 2 hump camel at that point in my life and it was actually pretty funny. Part of me was super excited carrying Leah around thinking about Lola coming home. Leah and Lola are about the same size, plus they have that whole super cute Ugandan thing going for them. SO it almost felt like she is really going to be here one day. But the other part of me couldn’t help but feel incredibly sad knowing it would be my last visit with Alannah for a while and that Lola won’t get to be there with all of us on a regular basis. The zoo was one of our favorite hang outs and we went there a lot! Driving home from the zoo, rocking out singing Christmas music at the top of our lungs was what pushed me over the edge. Here are some classic zoo moments!

Tuesday we packed the truck and I actually had to say goodbye to them. AND there is no way to put it other than to say that it totally sucked. Sorry… but no other word really fit! I know it seems like all I do lately is cry, which is how it feels, BUT generally I’m not a big one on showing emotion, especially in front of people. Shawna and I are VERY similar in that way. However seeing them go was really hard and I was a wreck. Wednesday I decided that I was going to make myself feel better and buy my plane ticket and do my taxes. Cause who doesn’t love to spend a LOT of money and then get some back right?! I thought if anything would make me feel better, that would be it! AND actually buying that ticket did help a little. I spent Friday shopping with Laure and Charlotte which was an awesome way to keep my mind off things. I had a really great time doing a photo shoot too.

AND best yet… Saturday my federal approval arrived. I couldn’t believe it. I was expecting at LEAST 1-2 more weeks!! It was a perfectly well timed surprise! Humm…. Coincidence?! I think not!

Its amazing how these things work isn’t it? I literally didn’t think I could make it, or would make it to this point and here I am with a ticket to go AND the one piece of paper I needed! Two weeks ago I was physically sick and so anxious about everything that I couldn’t sleep or eat, and here I am now looking at the reality of bringing home my little girl in a month. It is SO surreal!! I have no idea what it is going to feel like when I walk out that gate with her in my arms for good, or what it is going to look like when we get home but I am thrilled that soon I will find out. I have experienced more emotions at once throughout this process then I even knew were possible and I know this is just the beginning. Alannah asked me today in her 5 year old going on 25 year old way… “well cousin, are you ready to be a mom?” And when I said I don’t know what do you think… she said, “I think you’re gonna do great!” SO I’m going to just ride that awesome comment for a while, hope she’s right. I am incredibly sad that my cousins aren’t going to be here to be a part of it in person but I am also incredibly grateful for the time we had together. We are both off on new adventures and thanks to the brilliance of modern technology we will still be a part of each others daily lives. AND in the midst of my incredible sadness about them leaving, God has given me many reasons for great Joy and celebration. AND that is what I try to remind myself when I’m having a moment!