ITS NOT ABOUT ME!!!

As I sit and think about all I have to write about, I am overcome with emotion and amazement. I spent a very long time processing the idea of adopting by myself. The time I spent processing in silence was because I was scared about hearing what people would think and I was questioning my ability to do this all alone. I actually ended up sharing how I truly felt on accident. One day at lunch, before I knew it, I told a friend what I was thinking and couldn’t stop it before it was out. Most of that time before I told anyone was spent worrying what my friends and family would say. That incredible first friend’s reaction, eating lunch at Tony Steamer’s, was so supportive that it gave me a little more courage to believe I could do this, and was the beginning of the realization that I wouldn’t really be alone at all. While that realization was a VERY important moment, it is an even more important realization this process has brought me to, that just took a little longer. And THAT was the realization that it really just isn’t about me.

While Lola laid in an orphanage, I wasted SO much time fighting against bringing her home, because I was too busy worrying about me. Worrying if I could do it, worrying what people would say to me, worrying about what completely changing my life would be like. Me, me, me, me, me… until one day I realized that I spent a WHOLE lot of time thinking about myself, and not enough thinking about all the reasons why she deserved better, and the opportunities she would have simply from being here. If it wasn’t going to be me adopting her, then who was it going to be? I have always considered myself to be a pretty good person. I have always been the friend who put other people’s needs before my own, and that was something I was incredibly proud of. Trying to make everything about everybody else, and as little about me as possible! (I wasn't even going to blog initially for that same reason, but a friend said i had to because people would want to know what was going on with everything. SO Thanks Beth because you were right!) If my goal is always to put others needs first, why was this any different? It pretty much all boiled down to fear and a lack of faith in what I already knew in my heart from the moment I looked in her eyes. I have changed SO much throughout this process. I used to hide my emotions from people. I was independent, or so i thought, and would avoid asking for help at all cost. I now realize that i was just incredibly prideful. Admitting I needed someone was a sign of weakness in my eyes. And Crying… NO WAY. That was certainly a way to let everyone know how weak you were so there wasn’t going to be any of that either. However, this process is completely humbling and it is incredibly emotional. It’s stressful, scary, heartbreaking, heartwarming, and amazing all at the same time. Sometimes there are so many emotions happening at once that you’re not quite sure which one you’re actually feeling. I think more people have seen me cry in the last 30 days then in the last 30 years. I am working every day to embrace my inability to do everything on my own, and to put more faith in the reality of what I have seen over the past year, which is the incredible way God works.

I have come a LONG way in a short time, but I still have a long way to go. I have been truly blessed by the things people have said and done, and appreciative of the support I have received. I am even more overwhelmed by support from people I don’t know well, or don’t even know at all. I have truly come to see that God has placed people in my path who make my life easier and better simply by being in it. I don’t know if it is because of this process, or because I’m old now (being the big 30 and all, hahaha), but I have been able to recognize the importance of truly supportive and understanding friendships. That mass email i've gotten several times that says God places people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime is absolutely true and i believe it after this experience. I have a huge faith that this is God’s plan, and that I am just lucky to be a part of what is around the corner for Lola. And while I believe that with all my heart, there are times where my mind would just over power my heart with worry. Sometimes, on one of those days I spoke about where I could barely keep from crying, I would receive a text, call, or note from someone just to say they were thinking about me and Lola and were praying. Those calls are how I made it through. I know that God’s plan all along was for me to go to Africa for Lola, and not for any teaching job at all. I have already talked a little about some of the awesome people Lola and I have been blessed with, and here are even more examples of friendships I’m amazed by every day.

Most people know that I spent my 30th birthday in South Carolina, but that is a fraction of the story. My birthday was spent with some of the most amazing people I’ve come to know. I haven’t known them long but they hold a special place in my heart. My roommate Hilary was in Africa for 4 months. As a part of her time there, much like Amy, she spent a LOT of time with Lola. There is really no way to adequately describe how much that means to me. When Amy and Hilary would send me pictures or video’s my heart would melt because I could see the love Lola has for them in her eyes, which only makes them more special to me.

We knew in Africa that Hilary would be getting married soon we just didn’t know when Jeremy would ask. All along I KNEW that was a wedding I could not miss. She had been such a blessing to me since the day I met her and become like family so I HAD to be there. I was SO worried that I wasn’t going to be able to go but everything in my heart said I HAD to figure out a way. SO I did what I have learned the power of throughout this process more so then ever before, I prayed and prayed and prayed some more about what to do. Amy, my mom, and I looked at flights that would fly me pretty much anywhere on or towards the east coast. Atlanta, Washington D.C, Raleigh, Baltimore, Louisville, Philadelphia, Columbia, Charlotte, and the list goes on… We were able to get a flight that ended in Raleigh, with the plan that on their drive down, Jamie and Amy would pick me up. We had NO idea of how that would work out, but we figured it was cheapest and we were running out of time, so it HAD to do. AND holy awesome God because the weekend was perfect WITH a few added surprises I NEVER would have even dreamed.

By January, this process was really weighing on me emotionally, especially the realization of the financial piece. I was extremely stressed and overwhelmed, but keeping it all to myself. (Remember… I’m still working on accepting that I need help part! Haha) Most of the reason i thought i couldn't go was because i was worried about the financial side of the adoption. How could i spend the money on myself, when i should be saving it for Lola? However, God knew my heart, and being surrounded by people who have met Lola, and seen us together was extremely helpful for me both at Emily’s wedding, and then again at Hilary’s. I Have incredible friends in my life, but I haven’t ever experienced how amazing a group of girls can be, like I did with my roommates from Africa. I grew up with boys, so honestly surrounding myself with a group of girls sounded like a horrible idea. I never knew what I was missing! Walking into the hotel room and seeing all the girls was the best birthday present ever, or so I thought. Little did I know that it would just keep getting better and more amazing as the day went on. Here we are in Africa on one of the last days we would all be there together!

In the car on the way to the church, I checked my facebook. I wanted to see if I had any birthday messages, which I did and that was awesome. However I also had a message from my cousin Charlie. I didn’t want to take away from Hilary’s day in anyway so I didn’t share with any of the girls what I read (and some may read it for the first time here, haha sorry guys!). I was just glad it was night in the middle of the woods in South Carolina so it was dark and no one could see my tears. In the message was a note that he had been waiting for the perfect time to send. I think my birthday was a pretty perfect time to send it! He is one of the cousins that everyone has heard me talk about in my huge family. I always felt like we had a special bond, but it was certainly clear after I read his message. I used to love to go watch him Irish dance and was always super proud of my WAY taller than me now, little cousin. He shared with me that he had been praying a lot about Lola and that he would like to make a donation to my adoption fund. He received a sign that also involved a license plate, on his first time out driving alone! What is it with God and cars!?!? I guess Charlie got the message a little sooner than I did, because he wasn’t being nearly run over by the car like I was he was just driving behind it! haha He said has been working a lot and would like to make a donation to help me bring her home. I was brought to tears by his generosity and kind heart. He is awesome!

When we got to the church we immediately went to find Hilary. The look on her face was priceless! She was SO happy to see us and that moment was totally worth the 2 planes and car ride it took to get there!!! She was one of the most beautiful brides ever and finally meeting her family, who I feel like I know already, was awesome! Hilary’s mom writes encouraging notes on my facebook all the time! Her mom introduced us to everyone. She introduced me by telling them all it was my birthday, and that I was adopting Lola. SO much for not making the day about me at all!! Hilary told me already but it was still a little surprising to me that A LOT of people already knew about Lola. When Hilary came home from Africa she spoke at her church about her trip. She talked about Lola a lot because she spent so much time with her. As a result of that conversation at church I have been blessed with strangers who buy coffee and many prayers that have truly been answered. At the end of the night I met a very good friend of Hilary’s family named Miss Deborah who spoke to me about my story. She said that she was very touched by hearing it and that she wanted to do something to help. She handed me a check for my adoption fund that brought me to tears. I was so overwhelmed by the generosity of someone I had never met.

I thought that it was already too much, but when I hugged Hilary it got even more incredible. She shared with me that she and Jeremy had chosen to be conservative with their wedding budget so that the money they had left over in their wedding fund could be used to make a donation to my adoption. There are no words to describe the feelings I had in that moment, and still feel when I think about that night. I pretty much just cried my eyes out and hugged her really tight. How is it that I am SO lucky to have a friend love Lola THAT much!!! I already know from the pictures that Lola loves Hilary that much, but TALK about unbelievable! I am truly blessed and amazed. There are no words that could ever adequately express the love and appreciation I have for them. It is incredible to me that someone, on their wedding day no less, would be SO selfless as to want to spend less on themselves and give more then they have already given. I am so grateful for God bringing Hilary (and Jeremy) into our lives because i see more and more everyday the kind of person i want to raise Lola to be, simply by knowing her heart!

There can’t be more you say… because I was saying that too.. It CAN’T get better … but wait!

Saturday we went up to Charlotte to see Gabe, another one of our roommates, where I received a phone call from home that my state approval letter had come. I was thrilled to be surrounded by friends when I found that out because it was WAY more fun then coming home and finding it in my mail slot. Boy did we celebrate and have a party for me! AND yes, you can see in this picture, there I was ... crying again!

We did a tootsie Roll shot. AND yes ... someday when she asks what i did when i knew she was coming home, i will tell her we did a shot! And when she's 21, i'll even buy her one!

I don't regret the fun we had at all, BUT … then I turned right around and had myself a pity party because the license wasn’t exactly what I thought it was. I DID receive a certificate in the mail that I need, however it wasn’t the state approval letter I thought it was. There was a slight miscommunication with my adoption agency, and so I was wrong. What I received was my DCFS foster parent license. WHICH I needed for state approval, I just didn’t know that at the time. Actually, I didn’t even know I needed one of those at all. BUT while it wasn’t what I was hoping it was, it was still a big step in the process and we celebrated it like it was!
Obviously you can tell by the look on my face in this picture i STILL think this is my state approval. However, i am still glad to have the memories from the weekend celebrating my foster parent license.

On Thursday, Feb. 3 however, I DID receive my state approval!!! I was sitting at my desk in my office with some of my team members, waiting for the rest to arrive for our meeting. I was texting back and forth on my lunch with my friend Collin in Uganda. Without looking at my phone I slid the bar to unlock the screen and accidentally answered a call that I didn’t know was coming in. IT turns out to be one of the best accidentally answered phone calls of my life. It was my social worker Alice (who is amazing!) This entire time she has been preparing me for the fact that my state approval could take months. The person who does the approving is known to be very strict about home studies. I had a LOT of extra things my social worker had me do in order to increase my chances of approval WHICH paid off!!! SO, when I answered the phone, she said she had heard from the lady in Springfield and that there were some things we needed to do. I was fully expecting that so I had grabbed a pen and a post it pad to write down the list of the latest requirements. I was not expecting at all for her to say that she was just kidding, and I was approved! It was literally so shocking that I couldn’t speak. I know for many of you that is extremely hard to imagine, but its true. Ask my team, who was now sitting watching me cry... Once again, more crying like a crazy in front of people, although this time I didn’t even care. Finally, I could relax and let myself believe that this was going to happen. I had been so guarded with my emotions. I was SO scared that my state approval wouldn’t go through because everyone I met kept saying how hard approval is in Illinois. I didn’t know what I was going to do if my approval didn’t go through because that little girl is mine and she is just waiting for me to come get her. When she said that I had been approved, in less then 2 weeks, I literally almost lost my mind. I am beside myself and I can’t wait to bring her home!!!

Thank you all for the support, whether it is coming in prayers, text messages, cards, or donations, there is NO way that I would have made it this far without all of these things and I am truly grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Please continue to pray for speedy approvals. Next step – Federal approval!
I will know my court date in Uganda by the end of February and can make plans for a plane ticket!!!!