Lost

If you have been following our journey, you already know that we believe that this was God’s plan all along. The whole time that I thought I was “deciding” whether or not I could do this, if as a single mom I would be able to give Lola the life she deserves, I never felt a stronger connection to God. Every time I prayed for a sign, I got it. And when I tried to ignore the sign I got because I wasn’t sure I really wanted it, God sent a bigger one I couldn’t ignore so easily… i.e. THE CAR that almost ran me over with her name on the license place! All that time that I thought I was so in control of my life, I now realize that it was God leading me to give up the control and follow a new plan one that I certainly did not anticipate. When I arrived home with my beautiful little one, once again everything I thought and planned went out the window. I really didn’t know what to expect, but what we came home to was certainly not something I would have imagined. Scheduling doctor appointments, evaluations, and therapies became the top priority. I felt like all I did was make phone calls but we could never get anywhere. I was on the list to see people in july and august, and when you’re calling at the end of may that feels like forever away. I felt like we were stuck. All I wanted to do was get her on the road to healthier and happier. On top of all of the things I was doing to try and get help for the things she struggles with, we were also trying to figure out simple things like eating, sleeping, and pooping. ALL of which she ALSO struggled with. I felt like I was swirling around with no clue what I was doing. Sleep deprived and stressed. JUST like any new mom with a baby who you have to figure out. Except my baby was almost 4. SO not only was I trying to establish routines, I was also trying to build trust, battling to break old habits, and ease her anxiety of her previous life. The negative effect of institutional care on children is well documented and the effects can be devastating if they aren’t handled correctly. Once again another stressor for me because reactive attachment is a real thing and I was scared to death that she would develop it. She made some INCREDIBLE gains the first few weeks. She can now put her tongue down to eat and open her mouth to let me know she wants more, she is verbalizing more and more every day, she is smiling up a storm, she is reaching and gripping, and can now turn on 2 different toys on her own. These are AMAZING. However, when you’re SO sleep deprived and overwhelmed and in the moments everyday it isn’t until someone makes you step back that you realize all the progress that HAS happened. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed after the hospital stay. I was frustrated and angry but trying really hard to be grateful. My last blog was about viewing the glass ½ full. WHICH is exactly what I was trying to do, and pretty much failing miserably… Friends and family members have been amazing and have called or wanted to visit but I was on total shut down. Lots of times I wouldn’t answer the phone because I couldn’t handle my life. Everyone talked about how huge of an adjustment it was for Lola but it was a huge adjustment for me too. I am someone who needs pretty scheduled sleep which any mom knows that is pretty well gone! I am also incredibly independent, which once again that is out the window because I have NO idea what I am doing. It is really hard for me to be vulnerable and ask for help, but I am pretty sure that is what God’s working on in me. All the time I was preparing to bring her home and going through the home study process, I was so sure in my heart that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I never had such a strong feeling about what I was doing before, and lets be serious if someone else was telling me what I experienced I would have probably thought they were crazy. I mean there were times where I thought I was crazy! I know that Lola’s mine. That I never questioned however, I did start to question why everything had to be SO HARD! I knew she had a disability going into this, and I have talked about if you asked me the adoption questions on the home study prior to meeting her, she is pretty much being everything I would have said no to. I couldn’t be a girl mom… I grew up with boys, I know sports and guns, not bows! I also thought it would be hard to be a mom of a child with special needs because doing it all day at work then going home to it would be tough too. However the feeling in my heart when I met her made all of that go away, and so I prayed and prayed, more then I have in my life and I felt like God was saying this is your plan, don’t worry I’ll help you. When we got home and got put in the hospital I thought I wouldn’t make it. It was the most I could handle. Or so I thought… When we were in the hospital, they did an EEG that showed a chance that Lola was having seizures. Up until that point I had not seen anything I thought was a seizure. The doctor wanted to do another test. A 48 hour EEG that would require Lola to wear head probes as well as be video taped for as much of that time frame as possible. Generally I’m a pretty confident person but this whole being a mom thing is totally new, and I was already overwhelmed so the thought of someone watching us from the outside for 48 hours was just another thing to raise my anxiety level. He was watching Lola at the same time as the machine was monitoring her brain so he could see if she was having spasms or seizures, but to me he was clearly watching to see if I was a good mom! Totally crazy… or sleep deprived.. but either way its what I thought. Here was my beautiful little one's look for 2 days!

Because not even a gauze head wrap and a box of wires can take away your sense of style when you're THIS cool!

SO cute but the wires got REAL old and when I then got the stomach FLU… it pushed me over the top. I had the flu for the entire time that we were being video and audio taped. AND then Lola got the flu! I was SO tired, and stressed, and literally at the end of my rope. I was SO mad because all that kept going through my head was the bible verse about how if you go with God’s plan he will make your path straight and we were so far from a straight path. To me, we were on the side of a rocky road with a freakin flat tire! I was so angry that I completely shut off, WHICH made things worse because Lola could sense it and her behavior changed too. We were a big hot mess. I was SO mad at God for not helping us out and making things easy. BUT then at the same time, I couldn’t be mad at God because God made no promises that hadn’t happened. I couldn’t see people because I should have been overjoyed at the new exciting life as a mom since everyone helped so much to get her here and the truth was that I was anything but over joyed. I loved my child more then anything in the world, but I hated my life at that moment and I didn’t know how to get out of that thought process. I felt totally lost because really since I was in Africa and everything was so messed up, I couldn’t feel God’s presence. I also wasn’t trying very hard to either. I wasn’t reading my devotion that has made SUCH a difference for me, there wasn’t time. I just found myself yelling and be pissed at God instead. Luckily for me that’s OK, he can take it. I had a LOT of changes and adjustments I had to get through. I was trying SO Hard to get over myself. I was listening to music that usually makes me feel better. I was trying to read the bible and teach Lola but everything just made me more and more mad. I am so blessed to have incredible friends/family I can turn to (when I let them) who were helping me work through where I was at and encouraging me. I’m learning to ask for help and accept help and to be ok with not being in control, which is extremely difficult for me. The flu was my breaking point, but yesterday was my turning point. I was extremely cranky and angry, once again, which is NOT who I am!!! Lola wanted to have a rockstar party and stay up late, but then also wanted to be up for the day at 4:15 AM. Needless to say this already tired mommy was not havin that! I took her down stairs and went back up to get myself together. I just couldn’t be angry anymore and I had to figure something out. SO I went to my devotion. It was exactly what I needed it to say, which I have found more often then not to be the case. It said “Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The wayahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead focus your attention on me, your constant companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey... I am with you, watching over you where ever you go.” OK. Totally what I needed to read. I couldn’t make any promises but I could definitely try. SO I went downstairs with a new attitude and was met by the most amazing smile ever. For the first time since we had been home, Lola and I prayed together. We were going to easter seals for our first of a few evaluations and all along through all the dr. appointments and tests I just felt like if we could get to easter seals everything would get better. So we prayed for them to help her to be happier, healthier, and heavier. We were going to the feeding clinic so if anyone is going to help us get there, its them! When we got in the car I turned on the satellite radio station the message. It’s the Christian station that I listen to occasionally... when I need a little break from my friends Pitbull and Flo rida. ha They do something called a changing track where people call in with a song that has changed their life. AS we were pulling into Easter Seals, a changing track came on that I know was the reason I got that feeling to turn on that station. A man called in and shared his story. He was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy and was told to expect being in a wheelchair for life, not probably going to be able to do much. BUT he wanted to be a doctor. SO he shared that he is a doctor with a limp but that his CP is a blessing and he has learned to accept blessings however they come. After he shared his story, they played his changing track. Which is now our changing track too… I was an absolute wreck when I pulled into the parking spot. I couldn’t get it together because the lyrics to this song are exactly what I needed to regroup. There is NO way that was a coincidence.